Mother’s day is one of my favorite holidays now that I’m a mom. I look forward to it more than my birthday, anniversary, or Valentine’s day. This year my awesome husband really went all out. He let me sleep in, which in itself is a rare and very special treat. When I finally came down stairs he had the house clean, the table set with fresh cut flowers and homemade cards, and was busy in the kitchen preparing a wonderful breakfast of cream cheese filled crepes, fresh fruit, and crispy bacon. Mmmmmmmmm! On his homemade card were instructions for me to go down to the computer and complete a mother’s day exam. My answers would determine my mother’s day bonus. What follows is the exam that Chris made up for me: (my answers are in blue.)
Mother Competence Evaluation
Thank you for taking this evaluation which will measure your competence as a mother. Please fill out the test completely using a #2 pencil and then submit it to Topher’s office for review by late Sunday morning. Congratulations on another successful year. We hope that you will continue to ambitiously strive for perfection as a loved and respected matriarch.
Please answer the following to the best of your ability…
- What is a Noni ( Noh-neeh) and how is it fundamentally different from a common Ninu (Neeh-noo)? A Noni is like a picnic, actually it IS a picnic. A Ninu is like a pony and an octagon. Neither word, however, should be confused with a hainee-tunic which can be either a picnic or a pony.
- What does Daddy like least of all to be tossed at him, especially when filled with an unpleasant secretion? Diapers.
- What chores consistently make up the 10% of the labor that Chris is never able to do by himself? Cleaning the kitchen.
- What is the most effective tactic for ensuring victory when engaged in an argument with your husband? Guilt, more specifically remember past events to make him feel guilty about.
In a few short sentences describe the following…
- Why do you feel that you deserve a 1 Hr. Body massage?
The main reason I deserve a 1 Hour body massage is because I love massages more than the average person and would therefore appreciate it more. A massage would help melt away all the stress and tension that striving to be the perfect wife and mother can bring. And, as you know, I have been consistently and intensely weight training for months now and my poor muscles could really use some good rubbin’.
- Describe the most important role that you fulfill as matriarch that is most commonly overlooked? This is not the most important one, but it is very important: handling the finances, paying all the bills on time, and budgeting our money.
- Describe “Compton’s Law of Degeneration” and how savagery and eventually uncontrolled hysteria would overtake the lives of your family members if you suddenly disappeared and they had to manage by themselves? I will attempt to describe “Compton’s Law of Degeneration” using a short story: A few weeks after my disappearance Chris wakes up and attempts to get dressed but is disappointed when he can’t find any clean clothes to wear.. He curses the laundry fairy who has once again let him down. But rather than do a load of laundry he waits, assuming that tomorrow will be the day that the laundry fairy comes to wash, dry, iron, and fold. In the mean time he finds a pair of Shannon’s maternity pants to wear and goes in to wake up the children. Unable to find any clean clothes for them either, he figures that it’s warm enough they can go around in their diapers. Unfortunately there are no diapers to be found. But Chris, being the resourceful man that he is, fashions a couple of nappies out of hand towels. Then the three hungry boys proceed to the kitchen where once again Chris is disappointed to find the cupboards and refrigerator nearly bare. He curses the grocery fairy as he serves each of them a bowl or orange juice concentrate. He realizes that he can’t wait for the grocery fairy to come and prepares to attempt something he has never done before… take both kids to the store! He changes Max’s towel-nappy, helps Topher with his shoes, and looks around for his money clip and keys. Instinctively he calls out, “Shannon! Have you seen my money clip and keys?” The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them and he hangs his head in sorrow, knowing that this time Shannon isn’t going to be able to help him find what he’s looking for.
After much searching Chris has his money clip, but his keys are no where to be found. He loads the kids into the double stroller and takes off on foot. Upon arriving at the grocery store, Chris parks the stroller and lifts both kids into a shopping cart all the time trying to ignore the stares and whispers from passer-bys. Topher cries to get out of the cart and walk around. Chris helps him down and together they walk around the produce section. As Chris is selecting some apples and putting them in a plastic bag he looks over at Topher who is standing very still, slightly bending at the hips. His face is red and very serious. When his eyes meet Chris’s he says in a strained voice, “No Daddy, don’t look at me!” Chris knows instantly what Topher is up to, and is suddenly panicked knowing that the towel-nappy, which seemed like a good idea at the time, would never hold up under one of Topher’s loads. “Nooooooooo!” Chris shouts as he grabs a plastic produce bag and in one graceful movement has it open and under Topher just in time to catch the still warm excretion. Chris is proud of himself as he twists the green wire to seal the plastic bag which he then gives to Topher to hold. As he looks at Topher walking around in a towel nappy, holding a plastic bag of his own excrement Chris is reminded that he needs to buy diapers and heads in the direction of the baby isle. Once there Chris is amazed at the selection and variety he finds. Who knew that diapers came in different sizes? Without missing a beat Chris grabbed a box of size 1 for Max and a size 3 for Topher, figuring that the sizes correspond with the child’s age. Some time later, with a full cart, and two crying children Chris proceeds to the checkout stand where he attempts to unload everything unto the conveyor belt while at the same time keeping Topher from running off or opening candy. Chris asks himself what mothers all over the world have been asking for years, “why do grocery stores always have to put all the candy by the check stands?” Chris hands the cashier his credit card and waits for her to complete the transaction. After a moment she hands the card back to him and says, “Sir, I’m sorry but this card has been declined.” Chris is shocked. How can this be? Then he remembers that he hasn’t paid any bills since Shannon left. Chris abandons his groceries, picks up Max, and leaves the store feeling utterly dejected. Then he goes home and eats his children. THE END!
- What part of your body do you like most to be touched and how? (Dirty answers are permissible) Besides the obvious, I love it when you massage my neck and shoulders using that rippling finger technique you do.
How could you most effectively resolve the following concerns?
- Chris is frequently dry humping your leg and tugging on your panties. You begin to sense that he is having strong sexual urges towards you but you have only 5 minutes before you have to leave for a very important work meeting. How will you make it to your meeting without upsetting your husband’s delicate ego?
I would allow Chris to “do me” doggy style so that I could apply my makeup at the same time.
- Topher says a profane word when playing with the son of the relief society president who is chatting with you in your living room. You are just about to sternly correct him when you realize that he is parroting a word that he heard you accidentally use earlier that day. How would you deal with this situation?
I would get the video camera and encourage him to say it again so that I could film it and put it on Youtube where it would become a big hit and land us on the Ellen Degeneres show.
Upon completion of this test please submit work to a Family committee member preferably Daddy or Topher for review and evaluation. One coupon will be rewarded for each section that is passed with a 90% or greater. Thank you.
I passed the test and was rewarded with three coupons each good for a one hour massage. It was the best gift I ever could have asked for, and the best part is, Chris didn’t have to spend a penny.
10 years ago:
I had a bad case of senioritis and was just trying to get through my last semester of high school. Chris and I were in the play “Ten Little Indians” together.
5 things on my to-do list today:
1. Finish working. Today is day four of my five day stretch which is a lot when I’m supposed to only be working part time.
2. Play with my babies
3. Figure out what to do for dinner
4. Go to the gym
5. Put kids to bed and tidy the house
5 snacks I enjoy:
1. Chocolate covered raisins
2. Cold cereal
3. Cinnamon toast
4. Ice cream
5. Homemade chocolate chip cookies
What would I do if I were suddenly made a billionaire?
I would hire a nanny so that I could work full time as an executive housekeeper… NOT! I would quit my job in an instant; buy a beautiful and spacious home (not a mansion) with a gorgeous state of the art art studio for Chris so that he could quit his job and work from home; buy a home for all of our family members; pay to expedite citizenship for our best friends Pedro and Paula; and financially support Andrew Lambert’s presidential candidacy.
3 of my bad habits:
1. Watching too much TV
2. Eating when I’m not hungry, or eating the wrong things
3. Wasting time on the internet when I should be working 5 places I have lived:
1. Kanab, Utah2
. North Carolina
3. Tremonton, Utah
4. South Jordan, Utah
5. Chicago, Illinois
5 jobs that I have had:
1. Wok Inn, Chinese Restaurant
2. Bagel Specialist, Bruegers Bagels
3. Fashion Associate, K-Mart
4. Camp Counselor at a theater day camp in West Hollywood
5. Residence Inn, Marriott5 things people don’t know about me:
1. I have been watching the soap opera “Days of Our Lives” regularly (not daily) for 12 years now and often have dreams where I am associating with the characters in day to day situations. I’ve always been more of an “in the closet” fan until recently when (in my opinion) the writing has gotten pretty good. And I have, on more than one occasion, defended the characters when Chris has made fun of the show.
2. I played Barbies until I was 14 years old. This was also done “in the closet” and with only one of my friends who was two years younger than me. The funny thing is, she decided we were too old for Barbies before I was really ready to give them up.
3. I’m pretty sure people know this about me because I have a hard time hiding the fact that I HATE domesticated animals –aka- pets. And my marriage was conditional on the agreement that we would never EVER have one. I love going to the zoo. I’m fascinated by watching wild animals in their natural habitat on the Discovery channel, but I can’t stand the idea of having an animal in my home. My disdain has grown in my adult years and is now reaching an unhealthy level. I think I need psychological help.
4. I love cleaning and organizing my home. It is one of my favorite tasks and takes the place of other normal and seemingly “more fun” hobbies that other people have. I have a cleaning schedule that I try to stick to and find myself getting very frustrated when other aspects of mothering (admittedly the more important stuff) get in the way. Consequently I am a very uninteresting person and have very few hobbies.
5. I was a horrible student from about 7th grade until graduation. I got 4 “F’s” on my report card the last semester of my senior year because I failed to turn in some paperwork for my work release classes. My final GPA was a 2.something. I don’t think I was lazy because I always held down a job and participated in extracurricular activities. I was just really unmotivated to spend time and energy doing anything that didn’t interest me. I finally got my act together sometime after my mission. But I only went to 4 semesters and then dropped out so we could put my hubby through school. Oh well, school’s overrated anyway. Don’t you think?
Well, that’s enough about me. I have no one to tag because I don’t think anyone reads my blog.
I’ve always been kind of slow to join in on the latest crazes. I didn’t get my first cell phone until I was a married woman of twenty-three; I didn’t have an email address until my freshman year of college; I watched my first episode of Sex and the City when it was well into its final season; and this, ladies and gentlemen, is my first blog. And I really don’t even have anything interesting to say. I love reading other people’s blogs… LOVE IT. And not just from people I know either, I’ll read blogs from total strangers. Someone once asked me what I would do if I woke up and found myself the last living person on earth. They were surprised when I answered that I would go snoop through all the houses in my neighborhood in order to uncover any little secrets or nasty habits my neighbors may have had. As a teenager I used to baby-sit all the time and the only thing that kept me from snooping through my employers’ private lives, was the fear that one of them would have installed a nanny-cam. I admit it… I love to know the dirt on people. So I guess, in a way, reading blogs is as close as I can ethically come to “snooping” around in people’s private lives. Am I alone in this? Is it weird that I find other people’s lives more interesting than my own? So I pose this question: Would you read someone else’s journal/diary if they left it out in the open and you knew you wouldn’t get caught? I would and I have. (Of course when people leave them out in the open there’s never anything too scandalous.) I know of two occasions when someone’s read my diary without permission- my mother when I was 12, and one of my missionary companions. I was absolutely furious with both of them. So I guess that makes me a hypocrite.